I can't go any further than this I want you so badly, it's my biggest wish

How do you get over someone?
How do you NOT get over someone?

1. Think about him when you are in an uncomfortable situation and hope that he is with you in that moment of insecurity with your environment.
2. Think about him when you are having crazy fun with your friends and hope that he is with you enjoying those moments.
3. Think about him when you are telling your friends some stories and hope that he hears about them then he will realize how much he has lost for letting you go.
4. Think about him when something big happens in your life and hope that you can actually share it with him.
5. Think about him when you are making a decision and hope that he gives you a perspective that is fresh from yours so you can really weigh things.
6. Think about him when you are with your family and hope that someday he gets to meet them.
7. Think about him before going to bed and hope that he thinks about you, too.
8. Think about him while walking anywhere and hope that he sees you.
9. Think about him while looking at her and hope that he would fall for you as much as he did to her.
   
10. Think about him, write a blog, and hope that he gets to read it.

And you begin to wonder why you came

Dear Erika,

1. The only person you'll have for all of your life is yourself. Love her.
2. Ang hindi pag-aaral ng mabuti ng mga estudyanteng pinag-aaral at inaasahan ng bayan ang isa sa pinakasukdulang anyo ng korupsyon sa bansa. You are in UP to study. Prioritize.
3. Growing up is an inevitable twin of growing old. Act your age.

Sincerely,
Yourself in her most lucid form LOL

Baby likes to dance in the dark 'Coz when he's looking she falls apart

A lot of people have probably said this but right now I'm really wishing that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind thing was real. I'm not gonna delete a person though. I'd delete this thing that I never should have tried in the first place and all the crap that came after it.

But hey, no sense in crying over spilled milk, right?

Last December, I said my 2010 is going to be even crazier, louder and all the other fun things. Well, it has been indeed so far. Pictures are not even enough proof. So now, I think I'll go on the other side for a while because I realized, fun is not always happiness.

Crazy, eh? I mean, it's summer and I'm saying all these. Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't. But I'm gonna try and I'm gonna blog every step of the way. LOL

“What made me happy once, might not make me happy now.”

Thank you tumblr for feeding my emoness every so often.

Anyways, I just wanna plug. Ask me anything @ http://formspring.me/erikasila I'd love to answer any kind of question but I'd really appreciate it if people would put their names on their questions and/or won't be rude. Nevertheless, ask me anything.

Well, I'll post something more worthy of your reading time when I'm finally allowed to think about things that are not related to school, meaning after this hell month. But actually, I'm just procrastinating so...

Oh and btw, HELLO THERE MR. UTAKGAGO MENTHOL-GUY! Haha special plug for you!

Everything's gonna be alright

Sleep never comes at the right moment. I mean honestly, who hasn't had that night when you want sleep so badly because the next day's gonna be epic? And of course, who here gets checked out by sleep every so often when you're reviewing/doing research/writing papers?

Anyways, I'm turning 19 in less than a week. Yay? No? IDK. I guess from a the-glass-is-half-full perspective, I should be happy and grateful that I have been existing for almost 19 years. But who could blame me for being so afraid worried of growing old? That would mean slimmer chances of losing weight, less nonsense fun and wasted time, priorities, and other stuff.

Crazy. This is how I remain to think even after writing about how capitalism gave rise to beauty and embodiment standards which then resulted to gender inequality and the like.

So, back to me turning 19. I realized last weekend that I have no birthday traditions whatsoever. Is it too late to start now? I can't even think of something to do. I just really wanna go to the mall and spend every single cent of the money that my momma gave me. Dang it Erika, theory and practice! Remember Kavanaugh's book?

Yeah, I talk to myself a lot nowadays. It's easier that hugging four people everyday for emotional stability.

You can talk all you want but my skin is really thick

I feel like I'm in a boat -
all alone,
floating slowly,
running with the waves.
Every now and then
something halts my journey
but I survive,
I move on.
And now I can't stop.
I can't stop and the vastness
and the rays of light ahead
and the nothingness -
they're scaring the hell out of me.

I have no idea why the fuck did I just put those words in there. I wasn't even trying to be poetic. I don't want to be poetic, at all. But I must admit, I miss my ComArts days. Because now, all I write about is capitalism's engulfment of society and such.

Moving on--
How are your Valentine's, people? Don't be such a scrooge and tell me that it's not a real holiday and that it's just a propaganda of companies to earn money. Blah and blah. Of course it's socially constructed! The question is, what isn't? Some people just really needs something to push them into saying what they really feel towards another person so let them have that day.

Anyways, mine was, well, sleep-filled. Went home at around seven in the morning (came from a gate-crashed prom, not-so-inuman inuman, pancit canton fest, road trip to watch the sunrise, and a lot more). Slept 'til my mom called (which was around one in the afternoon). Went to a Lola's place. Played tap tap. ATE A LOT. Slept at my Lola's couch. Lied Explained why I'm always sleepy. Ate pizza. Ate dinner. Watched kids play with a dog. Talked about semi of my life. Went back to Katip.

My girl friends and I were supposed to watch a movie and eat at Banapple but they suddenly had dates and I was with my family so no plans for us that day. Okay, I think I just emphasized the fact that I was the only one without a date that night. LOL

This is becoming too long and boring.

Pictures from the Prom Night we crashed. They might kill me for posting publicly though.

You can call all you want but there's no one home

I wore a freakin' dress to school today, for the first freakin' time. You could say that it was a nice experience considering that a professor of mine liked the fact that I was so girly today but I can't lay down at our tambayan which is actually, really sad because I didn't have much sleep the other night. That probably has to be the longest sentence in this blog. LOL

Anyways, maybe you would ask, "why the hell would you wear a freakin' dress if your heart is not really into it?" Well, it's because I'm broke. Or broken? Haha Half of my closet is still at the laundry shop and I can't fuckin' get them back because I can't pay for them yet. Right now, I only have a 50-peso bill on my wallet and some coins. And I've already borrowed money from a friend at that. I asked my momma last Monday to send me some moolah but the case is that she's already given me my allowance 'til the end of the week. What did I do with the money? I have no idea. LOL actually I do have an idea

But I don't care. I'm still gonna online shop and as soon as I get my moolah, imma pay for my items because I want a romper and that dress so badly. Yes, this is still how I think and react even after reading Kavanaugh's Following Christ in a Consumer Society. Try reading Nietzche's The AntiChrist too. It's what's on my bag right now.

Oh btw, I need a party place for an org event on the 20th. Anyone knows anywhere? Budget's tight. Please and thank you!

Hey Cupid! Can I get a Nathan Scott for Valentines?

Raise a glass to mend the broken hearts of all my wrecked up friends

Yesterday, I almost went to Taguig without even taking a bath. Guess how the fuck did that happen.

Okay. So I was at Shaw, outside my building, waiting for a cab because I'm going back to my dorm in Katip. When I found one, the driver told me he's just a new driver and not that familiar with roads yet (and I was thinking same old bullshit) so if I can just tell him the directions, it'll be alright. But being the geographically challenged person that I am, well you know the story. I was actually on the brink of texting my friends in case you know, but the driver actually had a good heart. He told me to just pay how much is it that I usually pay from Shaw to Katip so I saved P50. Bless you new cab driver!

Anyways, I was supposed to "wrap" my January up but I realized, I'm super tired and bored and (insert synonyms here) of talking about how much I need to change right now and it's srsly exhausting to finish this sentence.

There's only one thing to do, three words for you. There's only one way to say those three words and that's what I'll do..

The love month is coming in less than 12 hours. Brace yourself. This'll be another socially-constructed-but-equally-self-destructive period of our lives. Yeah. Right.

Are you patient, understanding? 'Cause I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart

Guess who wants to go home to Subic like as in right now?

When I was still on vacation last holidays, I've always thought that I won't want to go home until it's time for another break given that my life here is, well, awesome. But after spending so much than I should, making the stupidest decisions ever, repeating the same mistakes, cutting some (okay maybe a lot) of classes, not reviewing for exams, and not passing requirements on time, I realized I need my momma to give me a big slap on the face to lecture me, to give me back a sense of what's wrong and what's right, and to just say that everything will actually, really, be alright.

You should know that while I was writing those last words above, I was a) thinking before writing for the first time (or not) b) not really feeling the words much c) (but) aware that they're actually, really true.

So this is the week that I will actually, really turn my life around. You should know though that I still don't think that I was "lost" or anything. It's just that I feel like I'm going broke, I'm hungry all the time, and I have deadlines to reach. FML

As I was saying, this is the week that I will actually, really turn my life around. I will attend all my classes and yes that includes Econ, I will pass requirements on time, I will handle my org responsibilities better, and I won't even go out on a school night. Who knows? Maybe I won't even drink this week. Yeah, right.

She wanna have whatever she likes and she can if she brings her friends

If you are my tumblr friend, you would know that one of my new year's resolutions is to not drink on a school night anymore. Well, I'm just glad it actually took me five days to break that resolution. But come to think of it, today is actually our first day back. So technically.. oh well, never mind. I have a new new year's resolution! I changed the former to "I will not drink ng consecutive nights anymore."

But you can't actually blame me, you know. I only had one drinking night during the break. So FML. (Now everyobody probably thinks I'm some sort of a drunkard who can't live without the substance. LOL NAAAAT)

I just realized that I forgot to write about some of my special experiences with my year-end post. And since I actually want the world wide web to know about these, I will write about them. I don't know why either.

• lost half of the pair of my favorite Havs :(
• threw a debut party for my 18th
• rode a banana boat with crazy friends
  
• outed myself to all most of my crushes LOL
• slept at a friend's garden
• slept at a friend's then boyfriend's condo whom I just met that night

Okay. I srsly want to delete everything that I just wrote in that list. But I won't. For the love of the truth. I honestly can't think of the other things that I originally wanted to write in here. So maybe next time.

I can't seem to find somebody to love Is there somebody who still believes in love

For you I gave my heart and turn my back against the world..

LOL Anyone who's reading this post would probably think that I am a) in love b) on the edge of falling in love or (if you've been reading my older blogs) c) playing random stuff on my itunes.

Anyways..
Tomorrow I go back to reality; anyone wanna come with? Or can you people like face it for me? Haha

Going back to Katipunan is both a good and a bad thing for me. Good because I get my old (and at some level, real) life back! Freedom and independence, I missed you my babies. And of course, I missed my crazier than the crazy bus friends too. But it's also a bad thing because, yes, reality means I have to actually go to school and do boring, erm I mean, school stuff again. Which isn't supposed to be a bad thing since in the first place, I go to the Metro to study. WTF

Professors left a bunch of stuff to do for the break and I have to cram all of it this week. At least I actually got some rest and had a nice vacation. Nat.

Oh well. I just can't really wait to say THANK GOD IS FRIDAY.

I fucked my links up so they're gone now but I swear I'm putting them back.. ASAP.
Oh btw, you can follow me at http://erikasila.tumblr.com :)

Tell me what you want What you really really want

Because I always get what I want. I'm a brat like that.

If I tell you that last night, I went to a house party with my high school friends and we drank and played 'til the wee hours in the morning, that would be, well, boring. But if I tell you that at around 12:30 AM, minutes after we just got back from a Manila trip with my cousins, I told my mom that I'm going to a friend's house because we're having a batch party, and after loads of pleading and listening to sexist comments (i.e. hindi yan gawain ng babae), my yes-I'm-a-little-sober-now friends picked me up, then that may be a little more interesting.

Or not. Okay, I just got bored telling my own story. Now I don't know what to say anymore. Haha Alright, I'll just cut this short. Again. LOL

HAPPY NEW YEAR LOVES!
2009 was indeed epic but I know we can make 2010 even greater and crazier.

I was thinking, I won't leave my room 'til its time for mass and its 2010 already but well, my mom would kill me.

I got to be unstoppable Ay ay ay ay You don't like

In 2009, did you..

• kiss a gay friend (in his attempt to actually teach you, well, moves)?
• feel like you're one with music in a jamming session with a local 'indigenous' band?
• eat loads of chocolate bars and drink milk just so you could sober up and study?
• attend a debut party but it started late and you already have something planned for the night so you had to leave even before the party started?
• see a friend cry all of a sudden because of.. never mind?
• bond with orphanage kids and let them use your camera until it's full of chocolate and greasy?
• celebrate your actual birthday by playing rockband and eating loads of fastfood?
• pass out for the first time in your life ever?
• wake up with your own puke as your pillow and no memory of the night that passed?
• worry about failing NSTP?
• meet new people and have, umm, great (and not-so-great) moments with them while your systems are loaded with alcohol?
• ask a guy out and then during the date itself you ambushed him into going to a friend's house party?
• drink too much for two consecutive days with two different groups of friends that you were actually sober for the whole summer?
• make loads of music videos with your girl friends while they were cramming for a report the next day after a party you just attended?
• dance your heart out in a stage you've always been familiar with?
• actually let yourself be a pellet of capitalism and forget about what you know about the system which sucks big time?
• receive your first hard-earned cash of P800?
• kiss your long time and forever girl friend on the lip just because?
• meet the alumni of your beloved org and from their experiences, you realized that you may have a future after all?
• attend a grand clan reunion and had one of the best days/nights of your year?
• party the eve of Ondoy's wrath not knowing that there was actually a coming storm?
• struggle to go home while Ondoy is flooding the streets of Cubao, Katipunan, and everywhere else?
• miss your high school barkada too much?
• have too much alcohol on an org event that you can't show your face to the world since it's so red?
• watch Katy Perry's concert and see her a meter away from you partying at Encore?
• try to escape reality?
• have a shirt with your name made for you?
• pass out again after months of not passing out while you're with a great group of guys and girls?
• play along the Blue Bridge with your friends which made the security guard think that you were actually being robbed or something?
• spend an afternoon with street kids?
• have three epic nights with the most fun people you've ever known?
• spend a morning with patients of NCMH?
• ride a car with 13 people in it?
• tell someone you're not going home until he comes with you?
• eat a balut's sisiw twice?
• walk for your department during the lantern parade?
• eat a lot you didn't care if your clothes would still fit you?
• try to lose weight the easy way?

OH WAIT.. THAT WAS MY 2009. I srsly didn't think this post would be this long so my sincerest apologies. Isn't it ironic that I'm starting this blog with a year-end post? LOL Be ready for me 2010. Because I'm gonna make you bigger, crazier, and a whole lot better. Happy holidays everyone!

I miss the times when happiness meant trampoline, giant slides, and colorful balls.